state sponsored suicide

whats the point of making organisations to help the disabled. if the only thing they do is increase the stress of the mentally disabled. its obvious that they make things so f###ing difficult to get what you need that your stress levels take you over the edge. problem solved, no more letters or anything. just the void.

american presidential race

if donald trump wins i am leaving earth with my alien freinds. because he’d probbably sit on the big red button

All well and good.

Hi everyone if you haven’t been following me on Facebook then some of you may have been worried they removed the tumour successfully but it turned out to be cancerous I’ve had some treatment for it and I am now half way through chemotherapy should be finished by Christmas wish me luck

Tumour…what happens next

I have to have an operation to remove a tumor on my brain on the 30th of october wish me luck :)

Technorati claim code

V3VEX43GWPRR

Complaints letter

bellow is the part 1 of a letter i sent to my local M.P hazel blears some names and places have been omitted due to obvious reasons

 

To whom it may concern,

Over the past 10 years I have suffered various forms of discrimination by many establishments. This I believe is due to the fact that I suffer from a mental health problem. The level of discrimination is such that I cannot live a normal healthy functional life. I cannot study, work or rely on the police not to discriminate, these facts and one other (see second attached letter) make me want to leave this country, and not stay any further to suffer at the hands of various organizations. I will now give you a list of the events that happened that have lead me to the conclusion that I must leave this country.

1, I reapplied to my old university the university contacted me before they had decided weather nor not to accept me and asked for a letter from my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist (Dr Taylor) wrote a letter saying I was bi-polar even though she believed me to be suffering a personality disorder. I was then  accepted onto the course via ucas. This method applied is procedurally flawed and discriminatory in nature perhaps if my psychiatrist had written the truth I would not have been able to try and resume my course.

2, During Christmas 2004 I believed that I had been tazered by someone I informed the police in            Lancaster and the Cumbrian police were supposed to follow up on the incident. A friend of mine that works for Kendal police dealt with it he gave his police badge number and a false name to Lancaster police station and the inquiry was never heard of again. This was a major let down by the police authority and my friend wasn’t even reprimanded even though I informed Kendal police station of what I knew.

3, My psychiatrist (Dr Taylor) was fully aware of an abnormal reaction I had to a particular anti psychotic (risperidone) upon admission to hospital in September 2005 I was given a very large dose of this anti psychotic (rispiridone) this caused permanent tinnitus and some form of visual hallucinatory disorder, I believe it may have exacerbated the p.d (personality disorder) I have. Luckily over the years since I have recovered fairly substantially, the only time I hallucinate now is when concentrating on music. A lot of anti psychotics now cause more symptoms than they should, I have has become less easily treatable due to the overuse of an antipsychotic I should not have taken. I wrote letters of complaint given the seriousness of what and yet I have had no real apology from my psychiatrist. She also made it as difficult as possible to change psychiatrist (Dr Taylor) in the end I had to lie to her and tell her I would drop the complaint.

4, During this time in hospital I wasn’t the only person who had malpractice I was friendly with one elderly gentleman that drunk a fair amount of coke cola. He complained substantially about kidney pains and the nurses told the other patients that it was caused by this. He eventually died in the hospital, it turned out he had aquired septicemia from a chest infection which had been atta\cking his kidneys. If the doctors at ridglee mental hospital had only done a simple blood test for pathogens he would still be alive. This fact and the prior fact completely undermine my trust in the mental health system to look after the well being of it’s patients. The man who died had no next of kin and as far as I am aware nobody has been reprimanded over the incident.

5,  The next event that happened was again discrimination by the police force in Lancaster. I was downstairs in the sheltered accommodation where I lived carr-gomm Lancaster, and I overheard in the other room many verbal physical threats by a social worker towards  someone at the scheme I couldn’t be sure who it was directed at however since the majority of the people at the scheme apart from perhaps myself were physically incapable of defending themselves if a social worker was violent with them I was sufficiently concerned. I then went to Lancaster police station to tell them what I had overheard as I was concerned for the safety of my friends at the scheme. I specifically told the police only to contact myself as I didn’t want carr-gomm to be aware that I had overheard the threats which had been spoken to themselves. Somebody in the police force contacted carr-gomm and a worker their had words with me about the incident (I was embarrassed at having to involve the police over something I really should have not heard however due to the level of threats I heard I felt sufficiently  justified). I was angry at the police for involving carr-gomm as I specifically told them not to, after complaining to the relevant authority I was still not told who made the particular judgement call over involving carr-gomm. This is a breach of police protocol and undermines my trust and rights with regards to the police.

6, Currently it is pointless to see a psychiatrist due to their over reliance on psychiatric file and their inability to assess my current mental state via a medical state examination. I believe there is a cover-up over my current condition to protect my former psychiatrist Dr Taylor. Due to this there is a over reliance on drugs that not only are less than effective (in a lot of cases my condition is exacerbated and even in the long-term doesn’t go into remission). My personality disorder has been ignored however luckily I was able to identify it myself (self defeating masochism….which is on the narcissistic scale) I have had no real therapy for this condition and I feel that a psychologist may be able to help if there is no psychiatric interference.

7,  A couple of years back I applied for a job at a probation library the application said there was a guaranteed interview for those with a disability however I never heard back from them even though I have been a librarian at school.

8, I applied for a Manchester university course that would have eventually lead me to studying a neuroscience course at university, the level of they course was less than undergraduate and as such I only needed minimum qualifications to get on the course. I applied in a honest fashion and disclosed that I was mentally ill. I was told by ucas that I had been turned down. I inquired into this and was told that there were no places on the course. I don’t entirely believe this I think I was again discriminated again due to the fact that I have a mental illness and the course would have lead me to studying neuroscience.

9, I was seeing a psychologist in order to sort out some of my psychological and psychosocial problems in the beginning she gave me insight into my differences she didn’t agree I had p.d however if I had been aware that masochism (at least in extremis) is one of four distinct personality disorders maybe we would have been able to figure out things better. She then talked to Dr Malik and he convinced her I was schizophrenic which now  clearly I believe to be wrong (schizophrenic visual hallucinations in response to music don’t generally occur this is more like synthesisia). I believe having psychiatrist telling a psychologist what to say is detrimental to my well-being far preferable would be the other way around. I know this isn’t discrimination but clearly Dr Malik inability to respond to valid assertions about the nature of my illness and the discrepancies between myself and someone who is schizophrenic clearly need to be justified. also since this condition I believe is iatrogenic (caused by medical treatment) I would believe there is some form of cover-up.

10, The lack of focus and honesty over my masochism has lead me to eventually find the specific p.d myself. At the time I was partly unbalanced psychologically and reading about a condition that I perfectly fit into was rather disturbing it has been several weeks since this happened and I now feel better. I don’t believe they are thinking about my psychological well-being by ignoring my differences. Perhaps because of the controversial nature of my difference there was a clinical oversight however I believe that this still isn’t in my best interests as ignoring the facts about my differences lead to me to have to face the truth alone.

11, The last time I was sectioned it was tautological as well as perhaps illegal, I was only assessed by my psychiatrist and the crisis team. I told my psychiatrist that someone may be coming in my flat whiles’t  I was out I left a threating message in my flat in full view, I was aware that this perhaps wasn’t a good idea however since I only half believed that someone was going in my flat and others said I was being delusional I wasn’t too bothered. My psychiatrist said I was a danger to people in his section papers which I clearly couldn’t be if I was delusional. When the crisis team turned up I tried to convince them with some of the evidence, they asserted that I was delusional in my section papers. How could I technically therefore be delusional and also a danger Dr Malik would have had to made an assertion that this person who may or may not be going into my flat actually existed for me to be  a threat. Yet the crisis team assert that no one one exists clearly their assertion is in a paradoxical state to Dr Mmalik’s and the section papers are therefore tautological and I was therefore illegally sectioned. I believe but cannot be sure that when section papers are written they have to be in ontological agreement.

12,  Whilst in hospital they tried to enforce treatment with a less than effective medication they tried to put me on a community treatment order (I feel I should have the right to decide when to take my medication given the fact that I don’t have any cognitive problems that I am aware of and also I am not caused any distress by my condition. In fact I don’t really see it as a illness just a mental state) I believe treatment orders should only be used on people who pose a danger to society since my p.d is more a personal and self destructive issue I fail to see how I fit into this category. Since I felt like I have less rights than an average person and that the medical establishment was taking away yet another right I decided to attempt suicide (and would have further done so on administration of further anti-psychotics that were not really effective). The psychiatrist decided not to take it any further and changed me onto a medication I know to be very effective I now self medicate and feel very well in terms of the hallucinatory disorder however the is still the problem of the personality disorder.

13, Whilst at ormskirk hospital I was cognitively dissonant due to the use of a nootrophic and anti-epileptic medication I said that I had been building a bomb to blow up ridge lee hospital (the hospital that had made me unwell) I was then informed that the police had seized my computers paperwork and other things from my flat. The police in Lancaster didn’t find any evidence of bomb making material in my flat yet they never sent me a letter (it was all phone calls. And I have no written letter by themselves) since I have no letter from them saying that no illegal material was found people may speculate as to why my computers were taken by the police. I live an alternative lifestyle due to my personality disorder and masochism people in Lancaster I believe may think I am some kind of paedophile (something that if I believe someone would actually do turns me (almost) psychopathic with rage) due to this the police have inadvertently smeared my reputation in Lancaster. The police must realize that I am a masochist and not a dangerous person or danger to anyone but they haven’t helped with my psychosocial problems and my image and reputation have been smeared by this action by the police. A formal apologie perhaps in a local newspaper in Lancaster would have been nice but I know this will not happen.

If you need any proof of the above facts I would be more than willing to supply them. There is one other issue not to do with the discrimination I have had that is included in the attached letter (I have had to write this on a secure computer) further proof of this knowledge I have can be found if you contact kennington police station in London.

 

Anyway as you can see there has been a fair amount of discrimination the second letter has been described in a previous post

In a Galaxy far far away…(the story so far) (this is long…)

If any of my freinds or anyone else for that matter is reading this, this is the story so far. Regarding why i haven’t been around in several years or more to see thm or just chill out. In July 2010 i had been off meds since january and i was doing reasonably well apart from stress induced visual hallucinations (more on this later). I decided to make use of my discrimination file (i had writen alot of letters on the discrimination i had suffered) and wrote a 15 point letter (yes there where 15 counts in total of dicrimination) to my local M.P Hazel Blears. I also included a letter about an article i had read which would have been of intrest to her as it was written about what a weapons inspector ha said in 1994 or thereabouts (the last time the weapons inspectors visited iraq). That letter said that during the interview the wepons inpctor had said that there were no weapons of mass detruction, The population was in free fall, any medical equipment was being used for producing pencillin and for bilogical warfare and that sanctions should be lifted. I eventually remebered that the article had probbley been published on the 28th of july but i wasn’t sure of the year or name of the journalist. The article was published in new scientist. I also said in both letter that i wanted to leave the country because of all of this and would prefer if possible to live in america. The visual hallucination became worse due to the extra stress and the way people were treating me so i decided to return to my pparents. At my parents the hallucinations practically stopped and it was at this point that i realised that it most likely was stress induced. I decided that the best course of action was to Visit my G.P near my parents and reregister so that my area would be there if i was unfortunately taken to hospital. I then went into lancaster to buy writing materials for somethings i was working on. My parents returned the next day and went balistic unfortunately two of my private journals and a pen went missing and i decided to phone th police to try andd retrieve them. Unfortunately my parents had my out of hours Social worker number. I hd told my social worker that i had been getting harrasment where i was living but he didn’t believe me and thought i was delusional he repatedly asked to contact my parents to get their pespectives on what was happening. I told  him in no uncertain terms not to contact them. Nine times out of ten i am sectioned for believeing i am being harrased, obviously a out masochist who has a mental illness is going to get social harrasment that only makes sense, but obviously it’s the best excuse the social orkers have for putting me in hospital so they use it as much as they can. Anyway as soon as i realised that my socil worker had been rung i deicded that i should leave and go to my freinds in leeds. I got to the train station at my parents and the police turned up took me to my houe and then the social worker was contacted nd i was taken by police section to the nearest mental health hospital. Since i was only suffering mildly at the time this seemed like nd overkill and grossly unfair. (The social worker had been appointed to me after the letter was recieved by hazel blears (go figure…)). I Cooperated with the hospital and told them that i was fine but the still pput me on a 28 day section (even though the whole time i was at my parents i only saw one thing that wasn’t there). What you have to realise is that i’m not confused or disorientated when i see things i never hear voices (though i may hear the occsional odd noise when on mood stabilizers). And i don’t have elated mood or depressed mood. In otherwrd i am completely normal even when i see things i can describe them accurately. And if you look at my older posts you can see the type of things i have seen, there is a definate occultic (as far as i can make out) theme to them all. So i thought i would be treated in the hospital at my parents as i had informed them of the change in G.P’s surgery. But they transfered me all the way back to the place where i had come from and placed me in a mental hospital there. At first everything was fine but then the psychiatrist gave m some of the medication i was upposed to take and this made me a bit delusional and disorientated and increased the frequency of the hallucinations. I tried to escape to get toa phone to notify the newspapers of the second letter i had written about weapons of mass destruction and was placed in the secure side of that hospital. Before this happened because i had deteriorated they decided to upgrade my section to a section 3 (6 months section). This of course was unfair considering how well i could be in the right situation and off medication but these idiot ppsychiatrist believe in çontrolling’ a condition wheras i am not bothered about controlling it, the fact is i find it intresting (it gives me something to draw(and reasearch)). Whilest on the next ward i was allowed to my flat nearby to retieve some things. I already had my complaints folder so i had all the letters from various organizations and i was amazed to find the missing journal what amzed me more was that the idiots who had taken the journals had forgotten to take the pen out the pen i had bought in lancaster the day before they went missing. I also took my laptop and my ipoddocking station and omcloathes and  left to go back to hospital. Then everything went wrong. I had been told by the nurses that i was allowed to excerie myself by walking up and down the corridor. One of the nurses took exception to thsi and decided to forcibly give me my PRN (per rota needs) medication as far as i am aware this is the only hospital that i have been at that does this (it may actually be illegal) I refused to take the medication and went to look for anoother nurse to back me up and there was no other nurses on the ward (deriliction of duty of cre perhps???). I decided that i needed the other nurses to come, and if nessicery to take an injection of lorazepam instead of my PRN medication. So i decided (defensively(this nurse wass rather aggresive)) to hold a chair to my chest and say ýou will have to come through me and this chair in order to give me my medication. He was quite a distance away at this point down the other end of the corridor he heard me and even though it wasn’t a particularly threatening remark(thats why i said it the way i did(in otherword i am open to negotiating)). He ran all the way down the corridor and barged me over he then elboed me in the face and then when i realised he wasn’t doing proper C.A.R (controll and restraint) i panicked and held him by the throat away from me so he couldn’t do it again. He then pulled his pit (an emergency device to call other nurses). When they saw me holding him back they all pinned me down and took me to my room to help me calm down. I questioned them as to were they had been and they asked me if i wanted to go to another hospital (cheadle royal) so idecided if i was going to be put on crappy illness inducing medication and be attacked by staff members to go there. I went and got put on levopromazine which made my condition worse, then meadowborrk came and asked m if i wanted to return there stupidly for me i said no (since cheadle was private there was little chance of me being treated correctly there it was just another method of controll. This was the point were people from prestwich hospital came to see me and told me that they would help me better than i ‘d been helped in the past they said it was a forensic unit, i asked if there was any other section 3 patients there and they said yes  but i still didn’t want to go then a single doctor came with a form and said that if i didn’t sign it he would sign it and place me in prestwich forensic hospital, i sould have contacted my mental health soclicitor at this point but i didn’t. I signed it and was taken to prestwich hospital. Iwas in for a big shock the hospital had massive fences and i was being put in some of the most secure actute wards for treatment. Since i was a section 3 patient i thought i wouldn’t be there for long (how wrong was i…) i then had a fight with a patient because he accused me of having done something criminal (i’m pretty sure he was going to imply i was a wrongun (somebody who has commitd a sex crime of some sort) i ended up being secluded and eventually they put me on clopixol (one of the few medications that worked). Then whilest waiting for the mediation to work on another ward  i saw a hell of alot of occultic hallucinations. The medication then kicked in and i was well again (or at least i wasn’t seeing so many hallucinations) i then got plced on another ward and even though i was well the psychiatrist decided i was schizoaffective and placed me on carbamazpine this gave me probblems nd eventually i was taken off it. In the mean time i eventually had the MRI scan that i’d been asking 14 years for. They found a low grade mass on my right frontal ole (frontal lobe) (medial prefontal cortex). This explained alot to me and i beleiev (even now) that alot my condition may be realated to this and not schizoaffective disorder. From there i was transfered to the ward i am currently on and a Neuropsychologist and  Psychologist saw me. The neuropsychologist said i had executive planing probblems memory probblems and attentionl shifting probblems. The psychologist said i didn’t have a ppersonality disorder but i had traits o borderline personality disorder. I had a few more scans which showed the low grade mass wasn’t growing and i decided to get a transfer to ridge lea hospital (lancaster) which is closer to my parents (i have been there before). However there has been funding issues so far and i am trying desperately to get the funding to go there i have even contact my local M.P to try and apply some pressure to get me there. I will tell you the results in a seperate posting. So now you know the story so far what doo you think of it all? It stinks of a cover up to me, even my complaints file was lost on dovedale ward and i’ve been told by someone in the know that the reason why i’ve been kept so long on a section 3 is because of ‘political’ reasons.
Please leave me som comments about this if you have bothered to read such a long ppost i would appreciate it.

Visitors

Ive recently been promoting my site have a look below at the visions I’ve been having and please leave a comment even if you think im nuts lol

out with my m8s

Me and my m8s is now in the costa coffee in tesco prestwich drinking a few coffee we’re all wired lol drop in sometime we are quite often there.

Moving Back Home

 

Recently i decided to move to a hospital closer to home, this would have been easy if the funding bodies for where i’ve lived in the recent past and the future funding bodies could agree on who’s to pay for this.  So i’ve been having to write letters and be motivated enough to move things along a bit.  I’ve also recently been promoting my website. There (fingers crossed) be a bit more traffic to my website now…